Ah yes, a memoir by
me. I’ve discussed my struggle with shy on my blog before, I begrudgingly admit it has been a huge part of
my life over the years. While so many people suffer with being shy, it doesn’t get
talked about nearly enough. I share somewhat of my life online and writing is quite therapeutic for me, this swiftly leads me on to opening up and sharing my experience about the STRUGGLE of being ‘The Shy Girl’.
Primary school was
particularly difficult. I wouldn’t put up my hand, I was always the girl in the
class who you had to force a few words out of. I’d get embarrassed if a teacher
asked me a question. I’d much rather sit silently, ticking by and let everyone
else do the talking. Thanks to this, I became ‘unfamiliar’ and I’d be the
person that people would forget. Even though I longed to be the person in the
room that held the conversation, strutted up to the center of the stage but I couldn’t
bear the thought of doing it. My parents got told “she’s doing great, but she’s
very quiet” at parent teacher meetings but nothing changed with me over the
years. I’d be the child who was swinging out of my parents at events and who
refused to order Dominos over the phone because I just couldn’t bring myself to
do it (God forbid the Dominos man judged me for ordering a margherita pizza).
Shyness gets
misunderstood for rudeness, I’m sure people have thought that I was rude
countless times in my life. I have self-diagnosed social anxiety, something that
I know for sure I have been suffering with all my life but have only really
come to terms with in the last few months. It is so hard to explain; any other
person would get on fine if they bumped into a random old acquaintance on the
bus but the panic that rouses in me isn’t normal and I know that now. My hands
would get clammy, my face would turn red and the panic would rise within me
almost causing a fight or flight response.. All for seeing an old acquaintance
in the shopping center, weird how the brain works isn’t it?
My friendships and
relationships are complex and something that I’m still trying to figure out,
even after all these years. I don’t start off shy with everyone- I could chat
to my friends and family now for hours. Sometimes I just click with people and
other times I’m much more reserved and it takes me time to open up and be myself.
Sometimes I freeze and just can’t let go and be myself- I find it so strange
and can’t put my finger on why it can be polar opposite from person to person.
As I got to the end
of my secondary school years, I gained confidence and became much better
socially (luckily enough) with people that weren’t my friends. I thank alcohol
for this (sorry mom) but it did really help me come out of my shell and loosen
up a bit. I feel like relationships shaped the last few years of my life and I can
see exactly why I was initially attracted to my two ex-boyfriends. It was
because I was instantly comfortable with them. The siren was not going on in my
head and I just felt at ease. Although I can’t say my first relationship was smooth
sailing (no beef just a reflection in hindsight haha), it sure did teach me a
lot and it was what I needed at the time to test my shyness and to have someone
in my corner cheering me on when I needed it. When I met both of my exes, I
felt like I had known them years and at ease, there is no other way of
explaining it.
I’m proud of how far
I’ve come. I remember the look on my mam’s face when I came home from a blog
event explaining that I went completely alone. I walked in with my goodie bag
in hand, she was intrigued as to what was in it, followed by the question “and
who did you go with?”. When I answered by myself it was an interesting mix of
shock and pride. Walking into an event is daunting to begin with and it is even
scarier when you’re by yourself. Networking is something that I’d like to work
on, but one step at a time ok haha.
Sure, it has been one
of the hardest things I have dealt with in my life, I wouldn’t change it. It’s
easy for me to reflect and see the humorous side of it all now which I’m very
glad to be able to say. Now I’m an empathetic listener, I have good perspective
on things, I’m laid back and I love a DMC- all aspects of myself that I’m not
sure I’d have if it wasn’t for my shyness and social anxiety. Sure, I’d rather be
able to rock up to a group of strangers and be able to sit and chat for hours
about pure shite but the reality is, that’s just not me!
I don’t know the point of this post, if it was helpful to anyone, insightful or it just passed the time on your commute to work. It is an aspect of my life that I want to share, felt like I had to share for all the people that know me both personally and that don’t, for people that have thought I was rude to them in the past when I’m just ticking along trying to figure out my own mind and WHY I’m freaking out so much. This is a post for all the gals and guys who are currently so shy, it gets better, it gets easier, it just takes time.
